I like ending relationships. Not that I’m some heartless loner who could live alone forever, or that I’m a picky user who’d drop someone like a hot piece of twister fries. I just like reexamining my relationships and once I confirm that the relationship isn’t doing me any good, letting go.

Then again, it’s more of me going away.

I used to have a friend who dug the same stuff I dug. It was even intensified by the fact that he was the only one who got me and my idiosyncrasies. One day though, he started to like different things, things that I wasn’t interested in. So we grew apart until he became a totally different person to me. It wasn’t just his fashion sense or the cassette tapes he bought or the books he wanted to buy. It was what he enjoyed doing, the people he wanted to hang out with, his priorities, his values. It was how he considered me, how he treated me, how he was considering me as something else apart from a friend. And so I left. I distanced myself from him and focused on me, because I didn’t want to lose myself – I didn’t want to become what he was becoming.

And then there was this friend who was really fun and inspirational. I believe I am a good and loyal friend so I was exactly like that to her. I was supportive. I was honest. I was a shock absorber. In short, I was a friend. However, she wasn’t. She let me down several times, but I always gave her chances. She took me for granted. There were times when she would do things that made me feel like I wasn’t important to her. She would use me – this we both knew – and she wouldn’t thank me or repay me for it or even apologize. I knew her to be very sensitive, considerate and generous but she was rarely like that to me. And so I decided to leave because she started sucking me dry. I felt like I gave her my all and she didn’t give me anything, when even the smallest things would have really mattered a lot to me.

And then there’s this one who was really great fun. He’s very entertaining. Never a boring companion, even during the most boring moments. He had some issues though, and this resulted to a defense mechanism that made him want others to feel bad, perhaps to make him feel good about himself. Again, I found myself giving so much of myself to him, and I didn’t get any in return. I felt like he wasn’t exerting any effort to make the relationship work, to step it up a notch. In fact, then came a point when I looked at him as nothing but great company. Not a friend. I didn’t like how he’d be so proud and secretive and dishonest as if I couldn’t be trusted with the truth, as if I’d laugh at him or judge him or want to end the friendship just because of his truths. I said goodbye to him. And he bade farewell as well.

The sad thing is that I am the friendly type, the kind who’d like to be friends with everyone. It’s just frustrating how some of the people I consider friends don’t feel the same way, or how they they’re not really friend material, or maybe we’re not just compatible. While I am still bent on making as many friends as possible, one thing I have realized is that I really don’t need a lot of friends. I am perfectly fine with just a couple of awesome friends who I know are there when I need them (without me having to text them LOLers), who are honest enough to open up to me and actually tell me bluntly what they think about me, and who, of course, value me.