DIFFERENT

Being around someone you like makes you different. With me, at least.

Yesterday, I was killing time with Anika and Honeybun sipping hot chocolate and green tea frap when all of a sudden, the heavens decided to spit out Antonio in front of me (perhaps to shake me into finally realizing that the other dudemanparetol is undeserving and thus should be let go of – again).

And so I spent a couple of hours with Antonio and his girlfriend. And it was very interesting to discover more about him: how he is an engaging conversationalist, how he gestures a lot, how he is animated and confident, how he is truly Dickie Greenleafy, something I knew in my heart the first time we met.

Being around him brought out this side of me that gets to escape only when I am with people I really, really like. And so I found myself acting as if I was caffeinated, as if I was in front of the cameraman, as if my life depended on it. I was chatting up everyone with all these hopefully interesting stories, gesturing a lot as if I was a VJ, hamming it up like Jude law on Saturday Night Live.

When we parted ways, my sugar high ended and I was down and blank, zombie-like.

I wondered what the fuck just happened to me. I felt like Emily Rose (Dexter Season 3 soon!). I felt pathetic for a while, like a gradeschooler impressing his crush, beaming that he just bought new items from Blued (plus a new shade of a face towel from Penshoppe!).

I felt semi-disgusted with myself. How could I ham it up? Why did I go into VJ-mode? Why was I so alive? Why was I acting differently just because I was with someone I truly, passionately, devotedly like?

And then a realization: I was just being my real self. Life’s long list of rejections, belat moments and unfair challenges has turned me exhausted, jaded, hopeless and into a different person that for a while there I didn’t recognize my real self making his presence known.

And this is exactly why I manlove Antonio. He brings out the real me. Unlike the other dudemanparetol who has done nothing but make me secret-ize everything about what we have and what I feel for him. He has made me into a liar, someone who is not ashamed of what he feels but acts if he doesn’t feel anything.

That’s sad.

And I am happy that I’ve decided to end our little friendship. Some people are friends. Some are just acquaintances. Some are worse: they pretend you’re friends just because they need you for something, something that they say they’d pay you back for in whatever kind when they really are just saying it to make you feel good jjust so you can continue your little friendship and you can continue pretending being friends.

I am very friendly but I don’t have a lot of friends. Whenever I feel egotistic, I think how lucky my friends would be because I’d get to focus on them all the pent-up friendship energy I have. And this is why Antonio is lucky and the other dudemanparetol isn’t as lucky, although he did get his share of my friendship energy for a while.

Oh well, it was great and Star Cinematic while it lasted. Time to move on to the real, deserving thing.