CONDITIONALLY HIS

I used to be a big fan of unconditional love, back when I was an angst-ridden, over-dramatic, extremely ideal teenager. And now that I am an old, jaded, scarred zombie, I have no time to think about things like unconditional love.

I fall in like/lust/love with everyone and recently, I fell in like/lust/love with someone. And what do you know, after all these years, I can still like/lust/love unconditionally.

It all started with online chat sessions that quickly became a daily addiction. I’d CTRL A, C and then V as a souvenir. I’d even Print Screen SysRq if the chat was extra special. A day was incomplete when he was offline.

And then there were the little talks, snacks together, almost-serious conversations about more personal stuff that I’d play again and again and again in my head.


Next thing I knew I was hooked. I’d smile a secret smile. I’d write songs about him. I’d think about him the whole day. I’d try to subtly attract his attention.

I believe that there should be mutual giving and taking in every relationship and in ours, I do the giving while he does the receiving – which is not really the concept of a give-and-take relationship.

I never really complained though because I am happy making others happy. And he made me happy by being happy. So come to think of it, he did give me some happiness even if it he “gave” it to me in a passive manner.

The complicated part is that I initially didn’t know how I wanted him in my life: a pare or a papa. He’s supposedly straight but there were just times when I felt like there was a chance for us to be more than friends. Maybe I was just being extra ideal or hopeful, but I swear that there was something in his IM messages, carefully constructed sentences, sideway glances and not-so-secret smiles that spelled possibility for us to be more than mates.

Lately, however, - despite all the double-meanings, naughty hints and seemingly sincere actions – I have decided to put a stop to our relationship, whatever our relationship is.

One can only unconditionally like/lust/love for so long.

The thing is that I am still not expecting that much from him. I just want him to let me know how he feels, what he wants from me and how he wants to go from here. I can pretty much accept anything, but the vagueness of it all is just killing me. I feel stuck and I can’t move forward and I hate it. I could be nurturing my gay self out there or be drinking with the dudes out there, but here I am stuck and feeling stupid.

I need a diversion. I need to shop or stop dieting and instead just pig out on fastfood all by myself or something.