ON GIVING UP

Giving up on others is something that I have done a couple of times this lifetime. I've given up on some friends, some lovers and some potential friends and lovers.

I am not the type who regrets things, or maybe I have just forced myself to be the type. I subscribe to the belief that my present happiness is the result of all the things that happened in the past, both good and bad - so how can I hate the past no matter how painful when it's partially responsible for the wonderful present?

Then again, I may just be justifying things.

Giving up on others is a great challenge, a difficult struggle. It's not as if giving up is the only option all the time. Of course, there's a part of you that also wants to give the other a second, third or forty-fourth chance, a part that just doesn't want to give up that easily. But there is also that part that's so sick and tired and that's had enough.

Giving up on others takes a lot of time. While the feeling of wanting to do so can instantly surface during the first-ever betrayal or the annoying nth time of doing whatever, there is that good part in you - the part that gives the benefit of the doubt - that almost instantly forgives and somehow forgets.

Until the next time. And the next, and the next after that.

Sometimes, you'd feel as if you have really, finally had enough and that you want to cut ties and change everything. Most of the time, you realize you're wrong.

When you finally reach that time when you really, finally want to end things, there is still that inevitable doubt and hesitation. You compare pros and cons and ask for everyone's advice and just ponder and ponder and ponder, but still it feels as if you reach nowhere.

All you know is that you need to make a decision pronto and that while you're not sure if it's the right or wrong one, you have no choice but to live with it and point the finger at no one but yourself if or when things fuck up.

Yesterday, I encountered someone I gave up on being best friends with. I gave him the chance but he chose another.

Awhile ago, I encountered a friend I gave up on. We were friends until I realized the friendship wasn't real.

Last night, I wanted to give up on someone. It's not the first time I felt that way about the person. I'm sure I'll be feeling the same way in the next few days, weeks or even months.

All I know is that once again, I feel like giving up on someone - and giving myself a chance at something at the same time.

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